SVP and I: Vol I

To make clear to all why I’ve left the rat race for the moment, here are archives of FB updates I used to post ad nauseum to keep a desperate grip on my soul whilst being pummeled with daily attacks from the less-smart, but senior-to-me. Enjoy and understand my desperate move.

-(SVP in an email to client) Please direct any questions to my assistant, Abi.

Me to SVP: Please don’t misrepresent me in missives as your assistant, just so that clients think you have one. It’s dishonest.

SVP: For my purposes in this email, it worked. And are you too good to be my asst?

Me: Oh, absolutely.

At first glance, this next one may not seem to have anything to do with my SVP, but I move that her regularly vapid musings occasionally rubbed onto me, and so here is how my meeting with the woman who’s family I hope to be adopted/married into went:

-I totally choked. What should have sounded like “Paula Deen, I love you. I want to be adopted/married into your family so that we can all chuckle over stories at Thanksgiving whilst munching on butter-basted goodness.” Came out like, “I….I….th..thank your niceness…good to you…your hair is puh….prrretty.”

-(Team mtg that I insisted SVP conduct) SVP: We travel to Kansas Oct 22, we’re there for 2 days and then hold our session with Client the 24th back in DC.

Me: That isn’t possible.

SVP: I know. It’ll be rough.

Me: No. I mean that isn’t physically possible. We will be flying the friendly skies on the 24th. As in. We won’t be in DC.

SVP: Oh. Shoot. (Note- SVP spent 3 days w/ Client finding a date that worked…and then signed the contract)

– SVP: Hey. I have a dumb question.

Me: Will you excuse me. I think I just bit my tongue in half.

– SVP at biz lunch on Fri whilst smacking a bit of salad (please note that Pet Peeve #2 is talking with your mouth full): So, tell me 3 things that are working for you… and 3 things that are not… within our organization. (I set down my spoon and furrowed my brow, which is wholly out of character, cuz those wrinkles are hard to get out)

Me: Organi-what?

– Picture this. Tiny neon green post-it pad. Held up to SVP’s face (because it’s the size of a bar of soap) during a meeting whilst she scribbles important notes on it…in lieu of a note pad, or really any parchment that was designed for being taken seriously.

– I just got an email from the Director of Mktg at ____. It was chock-a-block full of exclamation points. My general feelings (and I think someone famous and old said this) exclamation points are like laughing at your own jokes. Obnoxious when overused. Whatever the case- I still don’t know what she wanted me to be so excited about…

– Just got out of meeting with SVP. After listening to her recruitment efforts around the partially chewed and very moist hunks of grapefruit that just had to be eaten at the same time as said report, I’m left daydreaming about setting my own hair on fire.

– SVP charges into my office where I am blearily staring at my computer; waiting for the caffeine to kick in. “Where’s the cake? Who has cake? I smell lemon cake.”

Me: Wha…? That isn’t cake. That’s an air freshener Admin used in the kitchen.

SVP: Hmph. (Doesn’t believe me and for the past 3 minutes, I’ve been hearing drawers open and shut as the office is scoured for cake…at 8am…by our chief.)

– SVP in an email this morning: Just in case, please remind me by COB about that proposal.

Me to Self: Why the heck not just set a reminder in Outlook?

Self to Me: Are you new here?

Me to Self: Right.

Me to SVP 2 minutes ago: You’re probably all over it, but just a reminder about that proposal.

SVP: WHAT!? Oh shoot. Oh no! Oh thank goodness you reminded me. Shoot!

– Mtg w/ SVP. Me: I’m not clear on when the workbook for  Client is going to print, since we’re travelling all of next week.

SVP: I’ll finish it this Fri.

Me: So, when are you sending it to Client for sign-off?

SVP: On Monday. By courier.

Me: But we will have sent it to the printer on Fri?

SVP: Yes.

Me: (lengthy pause) My concern is that Monday comes AFTER this Friday…

SVP: Oh. Shoot!

– Me: They’re charging $250 to send an email to their contacts for us. 8k people.

SVP: Yeah, buuut, to spend money and not know it will be read?

Me: You had Admin mail hard copies to 150 random people, which cost $3/each.

SVP: But people read their mail.

Me: May I find you a calculator? And while I am at it, let me tell you a story. It’s called “People Throw Glossy Materials that Come from Strangers in the Garbage”



Filed under Tales from a Former Life or Silly Things My Old Boss Used to Say and Do

4 responses to “SVP and I: Vol I

  1. Man, almost wish I was on Facebook so I could have read these hilarious updates/impressions/status thingies that the website has. But thankfully, my holdout is vindicated by your post here. Appreciate the fresh resolve.

  2. Acebo

    I like to think of her as “Essvee Pee.”

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