SVP and I: Vol II


To make clear to all why I’ve left the rat race for the moment, here are archives of Facebook updates I used to post ad nauseum to keep a desperate grip on my soul whilst being pummeled with daily attacks from the less-smart, but senior-to-me Senior Vice President. Enjoy and understand my desperate move.

– (Training X Agency in diversity today) Attendee asked SVP why the graphic on the presentation has the women figures with hearts on their chests and the men w/out. “Because women are nicer” she jokingly says. At a DIVERSITY TRAINING CLASS. I dented the table when I smacked my head against it 8 times.

– Me to SVP: I’m tired because I don’t sleep well. My mind is wired at night. Stressed. Too much going on up there.

SVP: Huh. I have never had that problem.

(I stare at the floor. And bite my lip. Hard.)

SVP: At all. I fall asleep immediately and sleep like a baby. Oh. CRAP! Where’s my Coke?! (Checks her pockets. Seriously.)

Me: You set it on the table. Behind you. Just now.


– SVP on phone: Where is X Agency’s presentation.

Me: On the share drive. In the folder marked “Presentations”.

SVP: And what date would that be? I don’t see it.

Me: There are 6 presentations in the folder. They are labeled by agency name.

SVP: But I’m searching by date.

Me: But it isn’t hiding, so no need to search. There are 6 presentations…in the folder.

SVP: My bad.


-SVP charges into my office with purpose: Hey! I nnnneeed…shoot. Um. I.

Me: Yes?

SVP: Uh. Wow. Um. Gosh, I just. Hmm.

Me: I’m right in the middle of something.

SVP: Sorry. It’s coming.

Me: Yes, but not very quickly.

SVP: Should I come back?

Me: That makes the most sense. Retrace those steps of yours. Might help. And as I said, I’m right in the middle of something.

SVP: Yeah. I’ll start over. (leaves office)

This next one didn’t happen at the office, but I think that, in order to understand how I have enough material for a series of books, you need to understand that strange people are drawn to me, like mentally-challenged and socially-awkward moths to a flame.

– Random man at Firehook, in a conspiratorial tone you would use to continue a previous conversation…which we had never had: So, look inside my bag.

Me: ExCUSE me?

Random: It’s a ginger snap cookie. Have you had theirs? (I scoot closer to the sugar)

Me: Er. No. Nope. Haven’t.

Random says: It’s a buck fifty. You can’t beat that.

Me: No kiddin’.

Random: It’s really delicious.

Me: Well, enjoy that.

Random: Oh. I will.

– Passing SVP’s office, I hear flapping noises. She’s waving random items to get my attention. Unsure as to why she isn’t speaking, I step inside and hear a voice coming from the phone.

SVP blurts: John! Putting you on hold to find Abigail! (mutes phone)

SVP to Me: I LOOKED for you! Conference call.

Me: What? With who?

SVP: Client! Important! Need you!

Me: But I don’t get to know what this is about? And who it is? (SVP unmutes phone)

– SVP calls: Can you come in here? (to her office)

Me: Ok. (I enter and SVP doesn’t look up, but flips through a stack of papers in her lap while looking very, very serious)

SVP: We need to have a meeting. About these rfp’s.

Me: That is a great idea. I have one scheduled for 5 minutes from now. It’s on your calendar.

SVP: Oh. Good.

– SVP: Need a summary of all of these rfp’s.

Me: I wrote one. Here you go.

SVP: Need a summary. I’ll need a lot more info.

Me: Summaries, as the name indicates, summarize. Highlighting all pertinent information. If you would like more info, you should actually read the rfp. Only takes a sec.

SVP: Have you ever written a summary before?

Me: Oh, yes. Many times. Have you?

– SVP in my office thinking out loud how she’d like a proposal outlined: Hm. Don’t know what is meant by’line item’.

Me: I’m not working on that til Fri. Can u think about it in your office? Am working on this other proposal- due the 18th.

SVP: We’re going for this one, too.

Me: But it’s due on the 23rd. I’m writing the one due on the 18th. This moment.

SVP: I’m trying to brainstorm.

Me: But, can you do that in your office? While I write this one? It’s due considerably sooner.

SVP: Oh!

– Me on phone to SVP: Hi. I just received a panicked email from ___ Foundation, looking for their report. Which, I finished on Weds. For you to sign off on.

SVP: I’ll be back in about an hour.

Me: You said you sent the report last night.

SVP: Or in 30 mins.

Me: Can I just send it now?

SVP: On my way.

Me: This is a yes or no situation…unless you just haven’t even read the report at this point.

SVP: See ya!






Filed under Tales from a Former Life or Silly Things My Old Boss Used to Say and Do

8 responses to “SVP and I: Vol II

  1. Pingback: The Year Ahead …. | elementarycircle

  2. LOVE this!!!
    Reminds me of a Mom I nanny for …
    (I’m working as a nanny to fund my dream life as an author 😉 )
    Her 3 year-old son had no naps, no bed time, and no discipline, and was essentially a Satan child. One time he was having a particularly bad tantrum. I’m English, and have been babysitting for her (she’s Canadian) for maybe 6 months at this point …
    She turned to me and suggested ‘perhaps the problem is your voice?’
    Definitely a ‘biting my lip’ moment!
    C-C xx

    • Hiya C-C: Oh heavens…don’t even get me started on parents! Thanks so much for reading and for your post! It has done my heart so much good to see someone motivated and in the same boat as myself. Looking forward to continuing to hear about your “becoming.”
      My gap year is winding down as well. Can’t wait to see what happens!
      Oh, and I think I’ve commented before, but in case- I LOVE the bits of your books you’ve posted. So creative. Just the sort of stuff I know I’ll see in print one day soon.

      • Thanks so much Abigail 🙂 I hadn’t actually realised this was your blog (hence me referring to you a couple of times as the ‘anonymous writer’! I love how small the blogging world actually is!! xxx

  3. Pingback: Missing Thor. Or, I Hate Squating Alone. « The Becoming Year…

  4. Wes

    “Yes, but not very quickly.”

    Oh these are fantastic. Not for the person living them. But in retrospect and for those outside. 🙂

  5. Abi we need to start a podcast when you get back.

  6. Nan

    Oh my, some of my faves, you are the funniest writer I know…though I know these aren’t anything you spun, just reporting…dazed and amazed…ha!

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