SVP and I: Vol II

 

To make clear to all why I’ve left the rat race for the moment, here are archives of Facebook updates I used to post ad nauseum to keep a desperate grip on my soul whilst being pummeled with daily attacks from the less-smart, but senior-to-me Senior Vice President. Enjoy and understand my desperate move.

– (Training X Agency in diversity today) Attendee asked SVP why the graphic on the presentation has the women figures with hearts on their chests and the men w/out. “Because women are nicer” she jokingly says. At a DIVERSITY TRAINING CLASS. I dented the table when I smacked my head against it 8 times.

– Me to SVP: I’m tired because I don’t sleep well. My mind is wired at night. Stressed. Too much going on up there.

SVP: Huh. I have never had that problem.

(I stare at the floor. And bite my lip. Hard.)

SVP: At all. I fall asleep immediately and sleep like a baby. Oh. CRAP! Where’s my Coke?! (Checks her pockets. Seriously.)

Me: You set it on the table. Behind you. Just now.

 

– SVP on phone: Where is X Agency’s presentation.

Me: On the share drive. In the folder marked “Presentations”.

SVP: And what date would that be? I don’t see it.

Me: There are 6 presentations in the folder. They are labeled by agency name.

SVP: But I’m searching by date.

Me: But it isn’t hiding, so no need to search. There are 6 presentations…in the folder.

SVP: My bad.

 

-SVP charges into my office with purpose: Hey! I nnnneeed…shoot. Um. I.

Me: Yes?

SVP: Uh. Wow. Um. Gosh, I just. Hmm.

Me: I’m right in the middle of something.

SVP: Sorry. It’s coming.

Me: Yes, but not very quickly.

SVP: Should I come back?

Me: That makes the most sense. Retrace those steps of yours. Might help. And as I said, I’m right in the middle of something.

SVP: Yeah. I’ll start over. (leaves office)

This next one didn’t happen at the office, but I think that, in order to understand how I have enough material for a series of books, you need to understand that strange people are drawn to me, like mentally-challenged and socially-awkward moths to a flame.

– Random man at Firehook, in a conspiratorial tone you would use to continue a previous conversation…which we had never had: So, look inside my bag.

Me: ExCUSE me?

Random: It’s a ginger snap cookie. Have you had theirs? (I scoot closer to the sugar)

Me: Er. No. Nope. Haven’t.

Random says: It’s a buck fifty. You can’t beat that.

Me: No kiddin’.

Random: It’s really delicious.

Me: Well, enjoy that.

Random: Oh. I will.

– Passing SVP’s office, I hear flapping noises. She’s waving random items to get my attention. Unsure as to why she isn’t speaking, I step inside and hear a voice coming from the phone.

SVP blurts: John! Putting you on hold to find Abigail! (mutes phone)

SVP to Me: I LOOKED for you! Conference call.

Me: What? With who?

SVP: Client! Important! Need you!

Me: But I don’t get to know what this is about? And who it is? (SVP unmutes phone)

– SVP calls: Can you come in here? (to her office)

Me: Ok. (I enter and SVP doesn’t look up, but flips through a stack of papers in her lap while looking very, very serious)

SVP: We need to have a meeting. About these rfp’s.

Me: That is a great idea. I have one scheduled for 5 minutes from now. It’s on your calendar.

SVP: Oh. Good.

– SVP: Need a summary of all of these rfp’s.

Me: I wrote one. Here you go.

SVP: Need a summary. I’ll need a lot more info.

Me: Summaries, as the name indicates, summarize. Highlighting all pertinent information. If you would like more info, you should actually read the rfp. Only takes a sec.

SVP: Have you ever written a summary before?

Me: Oh, yes. Many times. Have you?

– SVP in my office thinking out loud how she’d like a proposal outlined: Hm. Don’t know what is meant by’line item’.

Me: I’m not working on that til Fri. Can u think about it in your office? Am working on this other proposal- due the 18th.

SVP: We’re going for this one, too.

Me: But it’s due on the 23rd. I’m writing the one due on the 18th. This moment.

SVP: I’m trying to brainstorm.

Me: But, can you do that in your office? While I write this one? It’s due considerably sooner.

SVP: Oh!

– Me on phone to SVP: Hi. I just received a panicked email from ___ Foundation, looking for their report. Which, I finished on Weds. For you to sign off on.

SVP: I’ll be back in about an hour.

Me: You said you sent the report last night.

SVP: Or in 30 mins.

Me: Can I just send it now?

SVP: On my way.

Me: This is a yes or no situation…unless you just haven’t even read the report at this point.

SVP: See ya!