Thighs Like Sookie


Owing to over a year of severe stress and about a month of culinary debauchery in Europe, I made the decision about a month ago to detox my system and start from scratch. I was sure that the amount of cheese, kebabs, wine, curry, and cheese I consumed probably did my system no favors and had probably laid a formidable foundation for blockage in some important valve/organ/artery, so I best wipe the slate clean.  I do this, in some form or another, every year.

This year’s detox eliminated: caffeine, flour, sugar, dairy, eggs, grains/oats, peanuts, citrus, all sweeteners (corn syrup is in EVERYTHING), medicine, oils other than olive, and alcohol. If you are considering a detox, please realize that all of the following will likely occur. Some other things I have too much class to mention will happen as well. Count on it.

  • You will wake up in the middle of the afternoon curled in a fetal position on the kitchen floor, rocking yourself to a little tune you’ve spontaneously came up with called, “There’s nothing I want more right now than peanut butter with cheese and tequila. Ooo wooo ooo.”
  • By week two, I was following you may follow strangers with coffee, just to get a whiff…and for the off chance they set it down.
  • You will be on a short fuse, so warn anyone that you would like to remain in your life post-detox that some irrationality will occur (like biting off fingers that wander near your bean sprouts doused in flaxseed oil, or changing the channel during Glee). This is, however, a prime opportunity to rid yourself of pesky people who you haven’t had the heart to break-up with. Unexplained screeching and crying scares even the most well-meaning bloke far, far away.

After surviving 5 weeks of this, though, my tummy does not block my view of my feet (happy dance), I wake up without an alarm by 7am (ish) feeling refreshed and in no need of caffeine, and have gotten back into a 5 day/week exercise routine. I’ve actually continued once a week with hot yoga, and, while I stand by my original assessment, I’m pretty delighted with my newfound bendiness. I’m much less likely to get stuck in a weird pretzel-y position and need to call for help when painting my toes.

I was reading an interview with Anna Paquin in SELF recently (I feel more fit if I am subscribed to a fitness mag. Try it) who, if you didn’t know, is of Sookie Stackhouse fame on HBO’s True Blood, or sweet/scary Rogue from X-Men.

*Please note I am endorsing Sookie's thighs, only. Her show and her arm-toneage are "meh".

Paquin was honest about how much work she does to maintain her physique and mentioned the Bar Method as her go-to routine. I had purchased the Bar Method a couple of years ago, got freaked out by the instructor’s frozen smile and unblinking stare, and tucked it to the back of my dvd drawer with other things I knew were good, but didn’t watch more than once, like season 2 of Mad Men. Well, if Sookie managed dimple-free thighs using a dvd I already owned, then I figured I was just going to have to push past my fear of that frightening and overly injected face (just like I do clowns when I go to the circus because I dearly love cotton candy and trapeze artists) and wrestled myself into some leggings.

The horrific-to-look-at instructor is pretty great, if you just listen and don’t look at her. She lets you know what the agony you’re experiencing will yield.

For example, when I was on tippy toe and dipping deeply into a wobbly plié whilst groaning and cursing, Crazy Eyes says, “Be sure to hang in there! We are almost done carving out that bottom and making those thighs appear thinner when viewed from the front. Let those legs sizzle!”

Well. Hot damn. I am all for definition and creating optical illusions in my favor (Um, hello. Don’t judge. No self-respecting lady leaves the house without, at a minimum, mascara on), so I did hang in there. As did my thighs. And, oh, how they sizzled. Never mind that I have to slide on my stomach to go down stairs because my muscles are now jelly and cannot support me. I look narrower! (From the front).

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8 Comments

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8 responses to “Thighs Like Sookie

  1. Corina

    Okay so I sort-of did my own version of the detox thing ~ I cut out 90% white flour products and sugar (give me a break, 90% is better than nothing) and over the course of 6 months I lost 30lbs!! Not to mention that I feel so much healthier as well. Way to go Abi!! I’m proud of you and even more stoked to read about your self tortuous journey on your blog 🙂
    When you move to Cali, we can keep each other away from delicious spaghetti meals and red vines!!

    • I can applaud your efforts, but that isn’t detoxing…that’s like fasting, or something. Your liver doesn’t get the chance to defunk itself, which makes you tired, ugly and cranky. 30lbs, though? Dang. That’s awesome.

      • Corina

        hmmm…okay…what else do I need to cut out to officially detox? I’m eating tons of fresh fruits and veggies, drinking about 2 liters of water a day, and I don’t drink alcohol ~ give up coffee, though? umm, I’m not quite ready for that ❤

  2. Stephanie

    Is “Detoxing Abi” similar to “Juicing Abi”? Because I think we almost ended our friendship when we had to work together, in very close quarters, whilst you were only ingesting liquid calories.

    I’m proud of you lady!

    And look, I spelled my name correctly this time. Today is looking up!

    • Ooo…I forgot about that. I was really crabby. Sorry for the unpleasantness. Actually, I think I was downright mean. Probably because I wanted to eat you.
      This was a little diff, since I was allowed to have 70% dark chocolate, and let’s face it, if there’s chocolate, it’s all gonna be ok.

  3. Celeste

    Woot! Woot! Awesomeness. Next up: 30 Day Shred. Jillian Michaels is repetitive but she gets the job done.

  4. Stefanie

    hahahaha, thats how I feel about having started P90X. I’ve had days of waddling about like a penguin and lowering myself onto chairs (and/or toilets) like a 90yr old.
    Good for you chica, you’re much braver than I on the detox, I did the Fat Flush about 5 yrs ago and barely lasted a week.

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